The real finale of the Star Wars films, part II

[Originally published in Open Book Toronto]

And now, the continuation of eleven-year-old Corey Redekop’s sci-fi masterpiece The Jedi’s Revenge. It’s just like Return of the Jedi, but shorter, and with no ewoks!

Again, all errors are kept intact for posterity’s sake.
________

Boba Fett brought Solo to Jabba the Hut.

“How can I ever thank you for brining Solo to me alive?” Jabba asked.

“Oh, nothing,” replied Fett, “but I think I’ll stick around.”

“Suit yourself,” said Jabba as he marched Han down the street. When they got to his cell, Jabba undid Han’s handcuffs and pushed him in.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” said Jabba as he locked Han’s cell.

“Yeah,” said Solo gloomily.

*

Leia looked all around Mos Eisely for any trace of Luke. Finnally she came upon five stormtroopers, which immedietly began blasting at her. She ran past 3PO and R2. R2 immedietly started leaking oil.

“R2,” yelled 3PO, “Your leaking lubricant oil! Somebody could slip!” which is exactly what R2 wanted to do. The stormtroopers slipped and fell on the ground, Leia didn’t see it and still kept running. She turned a corner and ran smack into Chewbacca.

“Chewbacca!” yellef Leia. “I never thought I’d be so happy to see your face again.”

Chewbacca growled softly. Just then Luke and Lando ran up to her.

“Leia!” they both exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“I got worried and came after you,” she replied. “And being chased by stormtroopers can lead anybody to you! Just then they heard footsteps.

“Stormtroopers!” Leai whisphered. “Let’s get out of here!” They escaped just in time.

*

Meanwhile Han Solo had been plotting to get out of his cell. He had no luck when suddenly a puff of smoke appeared. When it cleared, there stood Yoda and Ben, all covered with ashes and soot.

“Where are we?” Yoda asked.

“I think we’re in jail!” replied Ben.

“Old man!” exclaimed Han.

“Han, my boy!” whispered Ben. “Be quiet!”

“Who is he?” asked Yoda.

“Oh, I forgot,” replied Ben. “Yoda, this is Han. Han, this is Yoda.”

“And you’ll all be shot in the morning!” said a voice behind them. They all whirled. There stood Boba Fett, with a gun pointed at them.

“I thought I’d see how your doing,” he said, “and I see your doing fine. Come with me!” They started to follow, when Han jumped at Fett, who fired at him. Han fell to the floor, stunned.

*

Luke and his group split up again. 3PO and R2 went to a droid factory in serch of information. Suddenly two stormtroopers noticed them and chased them down the hall. Suddenly R2 stopped, which made 3PO fall over him.

“R2, why did you stop?” 3PO asked. Then he realizes they were in front of a large furnace. “Well, you have a point there. But how will we escape?” R2 immedietly shot an image of Princess Leia on the floor. The stormtroppers stopped and stared at the image. As they stared R2 charged, bowling over the troopers.

“R2, you did it,” yelled 3PO. “I never doubted you for a second

*

Meanwhile, Lando had his own stream of bad luck. He entered an old house, which had moss and leaves all over the floor. He was very tired, so he lied down on the floor to sleep. He did not notice the large shape on the wall.

As he slept, the large shape came off the wall toward him. It was a giant spider, nearly fifteen feet across! It crawled toward him, as silently as a cat. It picked him up so roughly that he awoke and realized what was happening to him. He struggled but could not get free of the large pincers. He reached for his lazer and fired at the monster.

The monster dropped him and turned away. Suddenly it flew into the air and crashed into the wall, killing it instantly. Lando turned and there was Chewbacca, grinning and him and growling at the spider.

“Chewy!” exclaimed Lando,” you came just in time!” They walked out of the house, and walked off.

*

Then Han awoke, he found himself chained to a wall with hardly any lights on it. In the shadows he could make out unfamiliar and familiar shapes. The most familiar shape was all black. Suddenly it stepped out of the shadows.
“Good evening,” it said.

“So…” Han snarled. “We meet again, Darth Vader!”

“Yes,” Vader answered. “We meet again.”

Han shouted, “You…” but he got a shock which shut him up fast. “What happened to Ben and Yoda?”

“They’re all right,” Vader replied, “but they won’t be if you try to escape.” All Han could do was snarl and think over his predicament.

*

Ben and Yoda were locked in separate cells. When the stormtroopers left, Yoda said:

“Why did you talk me into this? Luke is able to handle things!”

”I know, master,” replied Ben. “If only they didn’t take our lightsabers away!” Just then the guard came back.

“Boy,” he said, “there’s sure to be a crowd here soon.”

“Why?” asked Ben. “What’s happening?”

“Oh, didn’t you know?” replied the guard. “You’re getting executed!”

*

Luke’s small group all met in desolate area behind a house.

“Anybody find anything?” Lando asked.

“All I know is that this city is swarming with stormtroopers!” replied C-3PO. “We were nearly caught!”

“Well, it’s not doing us any good!” Luke muttered. “Blast it! We’ve searched everywhere for nothing!”

“Hmm, maybe not,” Leia said under her breath.

“What’s that, Leia?” Lando asked.

“Huh? Oh, nothing,” she replied. “It’s of no importance.”

“Leia,” Luke said sternly. “I have a feeling your not telling us something.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you,” she said werrily. “Suppose there was a trapdoor or something that they could put Han inside to keep him hidden.”

“That’s impossible!” Lando disagreed. “It would take us weeks to find it.”

“That’s right, but it’s worth a shot!” Luke said. Why, even…”

“Sir,” 3PO interrupted. “R2 says the chances of finding it are two hundred fifty-six thousand to one!”

“I know,” replied Luke, “but we’ve got to try it! Lando and Chewy, you come with me. Leia, you go with the droids. We’ll meet back in two hours!”

Luke, Lando, and Chewy walked until they came to a dark street, They walked down it until the middle, because ten stormtroopers jumped around the corner and started blasting at them.

“Run!” Luke screamed, and tore out of the alley, with Lando and Chewbacca right behind them. The troopers were closing in fast. Just we he thought he was caught, he heard a scream, and he realized that it was himself. Then everything went black.

*

When Luke awoke, voices swarmed all around him. Then his sight and hearing cleared and formed a perfect picture.
“Rest easy,” said a voice. “You’ve had a hard day.”

“Ben?” Luke asked. “Is that you?”

“Yes, it’s me,” replied Ben, “and Yoda’s here too.”

“Hello,” Luke said weakly. Suddenly he jumped up. “My friends!” he cried. “Where are Lando and Chewy?”

“Shh!” Ben said. “Get some rest, Luke, and then we’ll tell you.”

*

Meanwhile, Han had been put into another cell. He usually slept, so he didn’t hear all of the commotion around him. Then an arm shook him awake.

“Han,” somebody shouted, “wake up!” Han slowly opened his eyes. He was surprised to see happy faces all around him.

Suddenly he jumped up. “Lando,” he cried in astonishment. “Where did you come from?”

“Take it easy!” said Lando. “I’ll tell you what happened when Chewy gets here.”

Suddenly, two stormtroopers flew into the room and were knocked unconscious when they hit the floor. Then Chewbacca walked into the room.

“Chewy!” Han cried. “I thought I would never see your face again!” Chewy growled softly. “Now,” Han said seriously,” what are you doing here?

“Well, you see,” Lando explained, “Chewy and I were running from the stormtroopers, when Luke, who was right in front of us, was blasted by a laser.”

“When we saw what happened, we ducked into an alley. When the stormtroopers came, Chewy stuck his foot out and tripped them.” Lando grinned. “We forced them to tell us where you were. So here we are! We had a little trouble with the guards,” Lando said, pointing at the stormtroopers, “but Chewy took care of them.”

“Good work, Lando!” Han said admireably. “Now, let’s go find Luke.”

*

Will Han and Lando find Luke? Where’s Leia? What the hell is going on anyway? Only one thing is for certain; someone is going to get hurt!