[Originally published in Open Book Toronto]
Despite my promise to finish reprinting my first-ever novel The Jedi’s Revenge (written by Corey Redekop, age eleven), I find myself somewhat reticent. My problem can be explained thusly:
The damn thing is no damn good.
I’m not being modest. I thought this would be fun, to revisit my storytelling roots, but this is just sad. The child me has no talent in plotting or characterization. Or even continuity. This is supposed to be the sequel to The Empire Strikes Back, and not once do I mention that Darth Vader is Luke’s father? What, did I forget that niggling little plot point?
As far as I can tell, the young me does not understand what made Yoda tick, what sexual promise there was between Han and Leia; he can’t even spell! And he used exclaimation points! All the time! And since when can prison bars be “force-proof”? What the hell does that even mean?
So, accept the conclusion of my mini-epic as proof positive that people can improve with age. Although my aptitude for dialogue is still shaky.
The Jedi’s Revenge (conclusion)
Meanwhile, Luke was pacing the floor of his cell. Ben and Yoda were trying to bend the bars of the cell. Finnally, Ben said, “I’m sorry, Luke. This bars are force-proof. We’ll never get out before the execution.”
“Nuts!” Luke said. “If that doesn’t work, were really in hot water!” Luke sat down on his cot. “All we’ve got to help us are two broken lightsabers. And we can’t fix them.”
Suddenly Luke jumped up. “I’ve got it!” he cried. “I’ll make a communicator out of the lightsabers. Then I’ll call my friend, Fixer. I’m sure he’ll get us out of here!”
Leia paced the ground nervously. “C-3PO,” she said after a while, “Let’s look for Luke again.”
“But, your highness,” C-3PO said, “we’ve looked them five times already! And besides, my joints are aching!”
“I don’t care!” Leia retorted. “I’m looking again! So Leia searched Mos Eisely for the sixth time in a row. When she reached the outskirts of town, she was quite exausted. She leaned against a large rock.
Suddenly the rock opened behind her. She tried to keep her balance but she could not. She fell in the rock, screaming as the door closed behind her. Then she felt herself going down in a hole.
“There, it’s finished!” Luke announced, as he held up a small gadget. “This communicator will get us out of here!”
Suddenly the ceiling opened above them. “Look out!” cried Ben. Luke dived for the ground, while Leia came crashing to the ground, missing Luke by inches.
“Ow!” Leia exclaimed. “That hurt!” Then, she realized where she was. “Luke!” she cried, “Ben! And that green thing over there!”
“Madam,” Yoda said, “I am Yoda. I wish you would call me by my name!”
“Sorry,” Leia said. “But now, where are we?”
“Leia,” Luke replied, “I think you should tell us how you got here first!”
“Oh,” Leia said, “I forgot.” Then Leia told them how she came there.
“You must have fallen through Dewdrop,” Luke explained. “It’s a large rock that I used to play on when I was young. Well, now I can call Fixer and…” He never finished. Loud yells and creams were coming from the ceiling. Then it opened and Han, Lando, Chewbacca, C-3PO, and R2-D2 came crashing to the floor.
“Oh, brother!” Luke complained. “This is to much! This cell is only built for four!”
“Where are we?” Lando asked. “I can’t see anything!”
“Open your eyes, Lando,” Luke said. “You’re in jail!”
“Luke!” Han cried. “Is that you I hear!”
“Yep,” Luke replied, “it’s me!” They they had a short reunion. Then Han told them what happened.
“Now,” Luke said, “i’d better call Fixer!” Luke ajusted the dials on his communicator. “Luke calling Fixer,” Luke called into his communicator, “Come in Fixer!”
A voice crackled over the communicator. “This is Fixer calling Luke. What are you doing here in Mos Eisely?”
“Fixer, I need your help!”
“Sure, what do you need?”
“Listen, Fixer,” Luke said, “do you remember Dewdrop?”
“Sure do! What about it?”
“I’m trapped inside it!”
“Say that again?”
“Don’t worry!” Luke said. “Take your blaster and lean against Dewdrop!”
“Have you been drinking, Luke?”
“Don’t worry! Just do it!”
“Okay, Fixer, signing off!”
A few minutes later they heard yells coming from the ceiling. Then it caved in, and dust filled the cell. Then a young boy came crashing to the ground, followed by a second boy.
“Well,” the first boy said, “we’re here!”
“Fixer!” Luke exclaimed.” You’re here at last! And I see you’ve brought Deak, too!” said Luke, gesturing toward the second boy.
“Luke,” Leia stuttered, “who are these people?”
“Oh, I forgot,” replied Luke. Quickly Luke introduced the two boys. “Now,” said Luke, “could you get us out of here?”
“Easier done then said, pal!” Deak replied. He aimed his blaster at the ceiling and fired. Dewdrop exploded into the twilight zone.
“But how will we get out through the ceiling?” asked han, puzzled.
“Just leave that to me!” Yoda answered. Han thought about how Yoda could get them out. Then he had the feeling of floating in the air. He looked down. His feet weren’t touching the ground! Yoda was using the force to life everybody out of the hole!
Soon he was finished, and everybody was out of the hole. Little did they know that somebody was watching them.
The little group walked through Mos Eisely, When they reached the Millennium Falcon, Leia gasped and said, “Hey where’s Ben?”
“Oh, no!” Han groaned, “He’s going to do something crazy again!”
Ben, by this time, was far away from his friends. He sensed something and was coming nearer to it.
“We meet again, Obi-Wan!” said a voice behind him. Ben whirled, and ducked with lightening-fast speed, as a lightsaber, belonging to Darth Vader, slashed above him.
Ben, having no lightsaber on him, ran away from Vader. He ran into a bar and grabbed a blaster. Vader ran into the bar and Ben fired!
Sparks flew from Vader’s suit. His life support system blew up. Vader collapsed. His helmet cracked open. And for the first time, Ben saw Vader’s face.
It looked like a huge brain. Red spots were all over it, and blood gushed out of the side. His eyeballs were hanging by two thin threads. Then, as Ben watched, it vanished as if it had never existed. Only the body remained.
Just then Luke and his group burst into the bad. “Ben!” Luke said in relief. “We’ve been looking all over for you. What happened?” Then he saw Darth Vader’s body lying on the floor. “Oh,” Luke said quietly.
Fixer came up. “Stand back, everybody!” he cried, “I’ll get rid of the body.” Fixer fired and the body turned into ashes. Then they all walked away from the grusome scene.
A few hours later, the Falcon was ready for take off. Luke was talking to Fixer and Deak.
“So you see,” Luke said, “the Rebelion needs some new men, and you guys are just right for it. Well, Fixer?”
“Sorry, Luke,” Fixer replied, “but I think I’ll stay here. The hustle and bustle of the Rebelion would drive me crazy!”
“How about you, Deak?” Luke asked.
“Luke,” Deak replied, “i’m afraid I’m with Fixer.”
“Master Luke, “ C-3PO called, “the ship is ready!”
“Okay, 3PO,” Luke called back. “Well, fellows,” he said to his friends, “if your ever in the neighborhood, drop us a line.”
“Okay, we will!” Deak chuckled.
“See you later!” Fixer said.
“Bye!” Luke called back as he walked toward the Falcon. When we went inside, he had a strange feeling in his heart. Then he knew.
He was home!
Then the ship blasted off toward the stars. As Luke stared into open space, he realized he had hardly lived at all, and the blackness of space promised even greater adventures to come!
There, all done. Be thankful I didn’t make you read my Dukes of Hazzard/Battlestar Galactica crossover The Dukes of Galactica (and no, I’m not kidding).