31 Lists of Horror: Arley McNeney’s Halloween Love of Candy Corn

How­ev­er you want to say and/or spell it—Halloween, Hallowe’en, All Hal­lows Eve, All Hal­low Even, The Night of Can­dy Corn—October 31 is indis­putably the cor­po­rate-man­dat­ed spook­i­est time of year. With that in mind, I present 31 Days of Devil’s Night lists, of my own and of my lit­er­ary brethren both near and far.

These are per­son­al, high­ly sug­ges­tive lists of rec­om­men­da­tions, avoid­ances, and/or rem­i­nis­cences. I make no guar­an­tees, save one: if you don’t read the whole of each list, you risk eter­nal damna­tion and/or cold sores. I don’t make the rules.

Today’s special guest lister: Arley McNeney

Arley McNeney is the author of Post and The Time We All Went March­ing. She also teams up with a co-author to write the Fras­er Springs romance nov­el series as Laine Fer­n­dale. Book 1 of that series, The Scan­dalous Mrs. Wil­son, is avail­able now. Book 2, The Infa­mous Miss Ilsa, is due out in Decem­ber.


October 11, 2017

Top 10 Reasons Why Candy Corn Is The Greatest Halloween Candy of All Time

It’s Hal­loween, the ulti­mate hol­i­day for those of us whose can­dy palate is less ‘dark choco­late and sea salt’ and more ‘corn syrup and regret.’ In that spir­it, I set out to taste test the best lim­it­ed-edi­tion Hal­loween can­dies: those sweets that are so delicious/terrible that they can only be served in fun-size on one day of the year.

Unfor­tu­nate­ly, the new Hal­loween mar­ket­ing trend is appar­ent­ly to just rename exist­ing can­dies: Smar­ties become Scaries, Cof­fee Crisp becomes Cof­fin Crisp, etc. Gone are the Hal­loween Kiss­es (those tooth-break­ing molasses-y crimes against can­dy), the wax fangs with sug­ar “blood” inside, and most dis­ap­point­ing­ly of all, the can­dy corn.

True, can­dy corn’s ghost haunts oth­er Hal­loween prod­ucts like can­dy corn-flavoured Peeps, (go back to East­er, Peeps. No one wants you), but the real thing was nowhere to be found.

I’m not sure if the six stores I vis­it­ed speak to a larg­er trend, but just in case, I refuse to let can­dy corn go gen­tle into that good night. Here, then, is my ulti­mate list of why can­dy corn is the great­est Hal­loween can­dy of all time.

Candy corn can be used as festive décor for your Thanksgiving or Halloween table.
  • Make a classy and deli­cious tablescape wor­thy of San­dra Lee.
Candy corn is a little bit salty, meaning it pairs well with pretzels, peanut butter, chocolate, etc.
  • Oth­er can­dies have to be eat­en alone (see: that time some mon­ster mixed Skit­tles with M&Ms in the staff can­dy bowl at work), but can­dy corn is a friend to all oth­er Hal­loween treats. Add it to a can­dy bowl or trail mix and enjoy.
According to wine experts, candy corn pairs well with Riesling.
  • You think you’re “beast­ing off the Ries­ling” now, Jay-Z? Wait until you add the sug­ar high of a nice hand­ful of can­dy corn.
According to the Jelly Belly Company, the recipe for candy corn has changed very little since it was invented in 1898.
  • You have to give it props for being that old and not being orig­i­nal­ly made of hero­in, opi­um or arsenic. Can you say the same, Coca Cola?
You can put candy corn over your own teeth to make vampire teeth.
  • Save the envi­ron­ment with an edi­ble Hal­loween cos­tume. (Note: den­tists do not rec­om­mend this).
Candy corn is fat free, so it’s basically health food.
If you go deep enough into the Internet, you will find people making the argument that candy corn is a metaphor for the Holy Trinity.
  • This is a far supe­ri­or can­dy metaphor than that awful, xeno­pho­bic poi­son Skit­tles one.3) In an era where you can now get Cad­bury crème eggs year-round, it is refresh­ing to have one thing in life that is gen­uine­ly sea­son­al.
  • There’s noth­ing like the bit­ter­sweet feel­ing of buy­ing 50% off can­dy corn on Novem­ber 1st. Noth­ing gold can stay, you whis­per to your­self among the bar­ren sea­son­al aisle of your gro­cery store.
People love to hate on candy corn, and it’s fun to shamelessly embrace things that people snark about.
  • See also: pump­kin spice, vocal fry, romance nov­els.

BRAINS! And if there aren’t any: CORN!

Candy corn is a literal zombie.
  • What says Hal­loween more per­fect­ly than tak­ing a fresh ear of corn, using a mul­ti-step indus­tri­al enzyme process to turn it into corn syrup, then adding dye and petro­chem­i­cals to trans­form it back into a grotesque mock­ery of itself?

 

 

 

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